Three Accidental Ways We Foster Picky Eating
Elisabeth Kraus, MA
There’s nothing more frustrating than doing the work to create an amazing meal, only to set it in front of your darling child and receive an immediate, “NO! I don’t want it!” And while there are lots of good reasons for kids to develop an anxious response to food (such as being a new eater, surprising textures, pressure from caregivers during meals, a history of aspiration, etc.), there are ways that loving and amazing parents accidentally foster picky eating.
1.Offering too many options:
Division of Responsibility gives the job of choosing offered foods to the parents, because we have the brain development to know which foods we want our kids to grow to love. Sometimes, in desperation to get our kids to eat something, we offer an abundance of options that ends up being overwhelming for kids. This can be especially true at breakfast time, when sleepy brains are trying to wake up, and at dinner time, after a long day of constant decision-making at school or daycare.
In those times in particular, a huge array of choices can be really overwhelming – and overwhelmed brains will even refuse familiar favorites. Just because the job of making a choice is too much!
So one way that parents can help their kids wrestle through picky eating phases is to offer fewer choices: 2-3 foods next to something caloric to drink is plenty! Of those 2-3 options, ensure that something on the plate is familiar and enjoyed, while the other options might be new or less preferred. From there, trust your child to engage foods in the way that feel best to them.
2. Offering rescue foods:
A rescue food is the food you offer when your child refuses what you offered the first time. Often, we offer rescue foods because we worry that our child didn’t eat or didn’t eat enough, and our anxiety can’t handle it: What if they lose weight? What if they get dehydrated? What if we end up back on tube feeds? What if this one meal causes it to all fall apart?
When this fear rises up and prompts you to offer a rescue food, try to remind yourself that the approach that brought weaning to begin with will be what keeps your child eating, growing and thriving. Because you are being strategic to always include something that your child likes, you can trust that your child can peacefully access what you offered. And even if they don’t, there is always another offer coming! And as long as your child is peeing well, pooping well, and engaging the world with their usual energy and interest, then one mealtime refusal will not break your progress. In fact, holding back a rescue food will build predictability for your child will learn that what’s offered is what’s offered, and that no level of meltdown will cause their caregivers to crumble.
3.Offering too often:
The best way to help your child learn to engage with food in tummy-filling ways is to make sure that you give enough time for their tummies to empty before you ask them to fill it back up. So, if you notice that your child is eating small volumes of preferred foods all throughout the day, consider revisiting your routine.
In general, kids need to eat 5-6 times per day, spaced 2-3 hours apart. The frequency of offers ensures that kids are given enough opportunities to fill their bellies, and the spacing of offers assures that tummies have time to empty before we ask them to fill it back up. Remind yourself that snacking all day prohibits the brain from sending those “hungry” and “full” signals because your body is never full or hungry. So one of the ways to support kids in learning how to really fill their bellies with the foods offered is to protect the 2-3 hour gap between offers.
So if your child is gravitating towards being a picky or anxious eater, double check to make sure that you are controlling what you can control: what you offer, when you offer it, and the mood in which you come to the table! And if you’re doing your part, trust your child to grow into theirs!