We’ve all heard before that self-talk dictates your outlook on life, can change your attitude, and aid in success. This is 100% true when you are working with your child on their feeding skills.
How many times have you found yourself getting caught into a cycle of “I got him to eat this.” Or “I need to get this into her”? This language is problematic because it does not support the Division of Responsibility, which explains that it is your job to choose WHAT to offer and WHEN, and your child’s job to choose IF to eat and HOW MUCH.
Resorting to language that places the “job” of what your child eats on your shoulders ignores this, and signals that we may need to change our self-talk and how we talk to our partners and children surrounding food to embrace our goal. In short, the goal is to move towards a mindset where, instead of thinking that we “got him to eat,” we can embrace the fact that “he chose to eat,” and “I provided the choice.”
So let’s dig into this a bit more.
We often talk about the need for hunger and satiety while working to increase oral feeding, as well as opening up the types and variety of foods that kids are eating (more on that HERE and HERE). Yet during this process of re-learning hungry cues, kids often complain of tummy aches, or parents notice kids becoming increasingly irritable (“hangry”). Often, this is because kids often don’t know or understand what they are feeling, that this is their body telling them it is time to eat. Which means that when this “hanger” shows up, it’s our opportunity to give comfort through language (even if you think they are too little to understand).
When you observe your child beginning to get cranky or noticing that their stomach feels hungry, you can use your language to connect what they feel in their bodies with what you know is happening. You can do this by saying something like, “I bet your tummy is hungry! Sometimes it hurts like that to tell us it is time to eat.” Or if they are getting “hangry,” you can help them regulate, take a big breath and explaining that “sometimes when it is time to eat we feel a little angry. Let’s get a snack and see if we feel better.” This not only validates their feelings, but also helps them to understand these new emotions. It also helps them to understand what “full” is. When they are done eating you can talk about (in a neutral manner) their tummy being full. “It’s time to clean up! I bet your tummy feels full of the foods you ate.” (But not specifically commenting what or how much, as we want to remain neutral and just provide information.)
This leads to another problematic area of language around feeding: how we talk about food itself. Kids are always learning about new foods. As a new eater, the concept is completely foreign to them. They are trying to learn what to expect and what they are experiencing. Telling them that a food “is good” actually gives them no information about what you presented to them. And in a world where foods have been hard, “good” may not be reassuring enough to encourage them to it.
Instead, let’s practice using words that will help understand what they are experiencing. Giving food a real label and an attribute will also help them tune into their senses in order to experience food and eating in a positive way. For example, “I gave you gingersnap cookies today. They taste sweet and spicy and I feel them crunch on my teeth when I bite them.” Of course, you’ll want to break this into smaller, simpler chunks for smaller children, but the goal is to help them know what to expect should they choose to engage with the food you offered.
Other great descriptive words include: squishy, mushy, bumpy, crisp, wet, slimy, dry, slippery, juicy. The goal? Use words to describe flavors such as: tart, sweet, sour, savory, salty, spicy, cheesy.
We also want to think about the language to avoid. Over cuing or commenting on what is going into the mouth is discouraged. This language includes the classic “Take a bite,” “try this,” or “you need to take this many bites to be done.” These prompts do not support your child in allowing them to listen to their body or allowing them to decide when they are ready to eat. So instead, draw attention to your own eating and your own plate.
For example, “I am going to try my carrot. I love how they have a big crunch.” Then, include the child in this interaction by asking them to listen and see if they can hear the crunch. Then both go about your meal or snack. This interaction helps your child learn about foods, and never pressures them to put it in their own mouth. And when they are ready, they will imitate the interaction without you prompting or commanding them to do so. (Or, they may imitate with a food they are already comfortable with).
You can also use language to support your child with foods that are difficult. Often the phrase that immediately comes out of their mouth is “I don’t like that,” and the response is almost always, “You don’t know you don’t like it! You’ve never had it.” Instead of this, though, take the moment to validate their worry, as well as rephrase the interaction. For example, try, “This is a new food. It looks like it might worry you.” And give a pause for them to process this. You can add in, “It’s ok to be nervous about something new, but we will just leave it on our plate so we can learn about it.” And if needed, you can remind them, “Remember, you get to decide if you are ready to eat it or not.” If they persist with the “I don’t like it.” You can just repeat these phrases and then change the subject. (“I am going to crunch my cracker.”).
In short, the more you think about the language you are using surrounding food and mealtimes, the more you will see opportunities to support yourself, your family and your child. You will also begin to see the effects that changing how we talk about our process affects our outlook. And most of all, remind yourself, “I am strong and supported, and my child is strong and supported.” “We are doing hard things, but these are things that we can work through together.”
Written by Amanda Kyle, MA, CCC-SLP