Elisabeth Kraus, MA, Parent Coach
I am an admittedly anxious mom, who wants to find quick and fast solutions to all of my problems so that life can return to the level of peace and stability that I enjoy. This anxiety is fueled by some genuine trauma, but I tend to go into over-drive when it comes to my kids, so much so that my middle-schooler often gives me a semi-laughing-side-eye right before reminding me that she’s capable, she’s got it, and my helicopter engine can roar to a steaming halt, please. Thankfully, she knows it’s fueled by love because: my well-being matters, but as an anxious mom, anything that’s disruptive to her well-being just really matters so much more.
I don’t think I’m alone in this level of panic because a lot of us who navigate medically complicated kiddos do so with conflicting emotions: fierce protectiveness over our babies, relief as health improves, anger over how hard this process is to navigate, guilt over feeling angry, and the overarching rush to just please get to some level of normalcy! Often, weaning from tube feeds is that last big medical hurdle to overcome, which makes that “rush to just get that tube gone” even more pressing and prevalent.
But, as valid as that anxiety is, it can also be disruptive to the weaning process because it looks for “light switch” moments of change, rather than healthy, sustainable improvement. So when that panic bubbles up, remind yourself that steady improvements lead to sustainable improvements, and rather than looking for huge improvements, train yourself to look for small signs of improvement that look like this:
Healthily exercising their autonomy:
When you first give your child autonomy over whether or not they choose to eat, you might first see less and less eating. That’s discouraging because it feels worse. But, when you see this choice, remind yourself that making space for the choice not to eat what you offer also makes space for the choice to eat it in time. Steady improvement in choice isn’t limited to refusal – it makes space for the acceptance to come!
Acceptance of new boundaries:
Parents do the grown-up jobs of choosing what foods they offer, the routine they choose for the day, and the mood they show up to the table with. Kids choose if and how they engage with what’s offered, and for a child who previously had free reign over the routine and choice of food, these new boundaries don’t feel immediately great. But they’re still needed, and signs of improvement can show up in your child settling in to accepting that you are doing the grown-up work, and trusting that you’ll be ok with the way they do their work. This could look like fewer meltdowns or curiosity about your cooking/meal preparation – and is a sign of improvement!
More joy and calm during mealtimes:
Making space for your child’s choice of mealtime engagement leads to less anxiety. Less anxiety grows into calmness. And calm makes space for curiosity! For infants, signs of curiosity look like happiness in feeding position, calm at the sight of breast or bottle, playing with the bottle nipple, or even chomping/chewing on it. For toddlers and beyond, signs of curiosity look like being calm around food, showing interest in what you’re eating, poking, squishing or touching food.
Trying new things:
Calm curiosity grows into exploration – swallowing the breastmilk/formula that they “chomped” out of the nipple, taking a lick of the puree they squished with their hand, chewing food that they spit back out, and so much more! Giving your child the choice, and then being ok with whatever engagement they enjoy (within reasonable boundaries, of course)
Emerging skill:
Kids learn to eat by eating, so after building a foundation of health boundaries, calm presence at the table, and exploration, look for small improvements in eating skill! Maybe their chomping turns into uncoordinated sucking! Dipping and spreading a puree around turns into licking, swallowing, and bringing bites to mouth! Chewing and spitting out leads to picking up that “processed food” and trying it again! Even if the emerging skill doesn’t match their chronological age, it is a wonderful sign of growth!
All this to say, it is important to remember that goal of tube weaning is not just about getting rid of the tube. It is about growing a lifelong happy, healthy relationship with eating. And healthy relationships grow over time. So when you worry that progress is slow, remind yourself that slow growth is sustainable growth: flowers don’t bloom overnight, just like eating doesn’t open the second you cut tube feeds. But both become strong when healthy roots go down deep, and both are beautiful as they bloom!