Finding Your “Nonchalance” When the Wean isn’t Working
By Elisabeth Kraus, MA and Becky Keifer, MA-CCC, SLP
There are some weans that just “click,” and your kiddo connects with eating and drinking as if some magic light switch flipped on all of a sudden! But that is not the reality for the vast majority of us, and even though most of us go in knowing that it’s not weaning isn’t a light-switch-flip, we all secretly (or not-so-secretly) hope for one. And then, when things just aren’t clicking in the way or at the pace we hoped for, and the fear of “what if this doesn’t work?” and “what if we have to reset?” kicks in, anxiety grows louder and desperation can really start to take over.
So what can we, as parents, do when the wean just isn’t working the way we hoped it would? And every offer is just feeling more and more hopeless?
You can find your “nonchalance.” And boy, is that easier said than done!
The dictionary defines “nonchalant” as “a person or manner of feeling or appearing casually calm and relaxed; not displaying anxiety, interest, or enthusiasm.” Within the context of weaning from tube feeds, parents “finding their nonchalance” looks like finding the part of you that is perfectly fine whether your child eats or not. And being fine with what you’re not actually fine with and feel incredibly anxious about is nearly impossible.
Anxiety comes from the fear that life isn’t going to get better until eating happens and the tube can go for good – and that is a valid fear! Because when you’ve been stuck in prolonged medical complications for a long time, there’s nothing at all bad about wanting that to be over so that you can process and heal and move into the life you really want. When the anxiety kicks in (or flares up), finding nonchalance, or better stated, “appearing like you don’t care whether they eat or not” requires Oscar-level acting skills! Which most of us don’t have, unless we can access our empathy.
Empathy, or the part of us that can feel with someone, turns anxiety into compassionate nonchalance because it reminds you that the tiny human you love more than anything is struggling to learn something new. Their bodies feel differently than they ever have before (hello, appetite!), and they don’t know how to make that yucky feeling go away (yet!). The choice not to eat, or the big feelings that show up when you offer, aren’t a result of stubbornness or poor behavior; they’re just the result of feeling new things in their bodies, knowing that their parents feel anxious (but they don’t know why), and they haven’t quite worked out how to make all of it better.
And that’s where nonchalance helps: by changing the perspective to see your child as a learning kiddo, it becomes easier to be ok – whether they eat or not! Because you’ll start to see the little bits of small, steady growth that remind everyone that hope remains!
Finding nonchalance also helps you to be consistent: kids are notoriously inconsistent, changing their responses to…well, everything…. depending on mood, sleepiness, and so much more. When kids become inconsistent, that’s not a sign that something is wrong in your approach. In fact, it might be a sign that they need you to stay even more consistent, reminding yourself that changing everything (how you offer, what you offer, when you offer, etc.) with increasing anxiety teaches your little one that they can’t rely on what you’re doing.
So, if progress in your wean looks differently than you wanted or hoped for,
Find your nonchalance,
Empathize with your child’s experience of learning something new, and
Stay consistent in what you offer, when, and how (the mood with which you show up!).