Confronting the Biggest Worry that Parents Feel When Following Division of Responsibility
Elisabeth Kraus, MA
“Do I follow DOR (Division of Responsibility) and risk my child not touching anything of what I offer? Or do I give my child what the food they want just to ensure that they eat something?"
This is the hardest question that parents face when they’re thinking about what DOR is and how it might help their children learn how to eat! Because there's a lot of fear attached to children choosing not to eat: them not eating is what brought the crisis in the first place, and for a long time, tube-fed children "getting this specific volume of calories" is the only thing that made them safe and ok. And, as much as we all hate tube feeds, it's at least something we can control: “I can tube this specific volume, and that means I can keep them safe and ok.” And at the end of the day, control can feel like such a huge relief when so much of a family’s life has felt like it is spinning completely out of control.
With all of this in mind, let's talk about the big question: do I stick with DOR and risk them not touching what I offer (or worse, having a massive meltdown AND not touching what I offer)? Or do I give what they want so that at least they eat SOMEthing?
The short answer is this: you hold to DOR and you become ok with whatever choice they make around food, even if the choice is to not eat (and oh! That's so hard!)
But here's the long answer: All of the research around child development tell us that kids thrive when they are given firm and loving boundaries -- even if they don't love the boundary when they're first encountering it.
One of the most popular studies that affirms this idea is called “The Playground Study.” It found that kids who played on playgrounds that were not enclosed by fences felt more anxious, were more likely to meltdown, more likely to group in the middle of the playground (rather than explore), and were less likely to engage in activities that explored new skills and experiences. That proved to be a sharp contrast to kids who played in parks that were enclosed by fences! Kids who played on those playgrounds were more likely to explore all the way to the fence, were less likely to group together (either with each other or their caregivers) and were more likely to try new things that fostered new skills.
The lesson of this study was this: kids who experience secure boundaries learn more, better, and more securely than kids who don't. And when it comes to learning how to eat, this is where DOR comes into play.
DOR is a way of thinking about eating: it gives the adult jobs to the adult, sets firm and loving boundaries, and encourages kids to explore as much as they want within those boundaries. If parents are not following DOR, they are unintentionally taking the boundaries away, which means that kids become less likely to explore foods/drinks and the power struggles start.
When that happens, the solution is rebuild those fences, and to help children learn how to cope with what it means to play and explore inside of those boundaries. That means first, understanding what a boundary is and is not, and then making a plan for how you're going to respond to those meltdowns when they happen. Second, it means returning to DOR, which says that parents decide what they offer, when they offer it, and their mood when they do. Kids decide IF they eat what you offer – and how much.
We recommend using the stoplight method to help with this process, ensuring that there's always a "green" food on the plate alongside "yellow" and "red" foods. Pairing familiar foods with newer/less familiar foods means there's always something on the plate that you know they like. Of course, that doesn't mean that they'll go for it -- but it's better than being presented with a plate of entirely new foods/drinks.
So, when you're offering meals and snacks, keep the following boundaries for yourself:
Follow the stoplight method to offer the foods that YOU choose to offer.
Don't offer a rescue food (the food you offer when they refuse what you offered the first time)
Only offer 2-3 things (including food and drink) per meal so that they aren't overwhelmed.
Do your best to offer modified versions of what you're eating (do it when you can, and adjust if you need)
Keep offering 5-6 times each day.
Keep 2-3 hours between each offer, so their tummies have time to empty before you ask them to fill it back up.
And then? Buckle up! It can take a week or 2 for kids to adjust to a new boundary. No one likes when rules/boundaries change, and so parents are wise to make this adjustment having already decided ways to take breaks, to stay with their kids in those big feelings without changing the boundary to make the big feeling go away, and to get what you need in order to be ok. Because the long-term goal of DOR is to foster happy mealtimes for everyone!