Boundaries, pt 3: But My Boundaries Aren’t Working!
Elisabeth Kraus, MA and Kirstin Nelson, MS, RDN, CSP
(To set the stage for this conversation, it would be worth to reads part 1 and part 2 before beginning.)
One of the most exhausting realities of parenthood is that the job is relatively nonstop! And while none of us wants to miss even one magical moment of childhood, the magic is always accompanied by challenges. Top of that list includes helping kids to learn how to respond to their worlds in proportional and appropriate ways – but that’s hard to do! Because kids learn how to behave, not based on what they are told to do, but based on the way that their grown-ups respond to them.
So, whenever a parent comes to me, fully exasperated because the boundaries they’re setting at the table (and beyond) just aren’t working, I take them through a process to ask themselves questions about why that might be.
Am I setting boundaries? Or am I listing rules?
Rules explain how you expect children to behave, and begin with statements focused on what you want them to do, what you want them to stop doing, how you want them to treat people or not treat people, and so on. Often, the language around rules starts with words like “No!” or “Stop!” Or perhaps even phrases like, “We don’t…” or “You can’t…”
Often, explaining a set of rules is easy, but getting kids to follow them is challenging because rules focus on controlling someone else’s behavior, and in many contexts, that’s a losing battle. Because as much as we might want to, there’s often no way to get anyone to behave in the way we want them to just because we told them to.
And that’s where boundaries come into play! Rather than explaining to a child what they can and cannot do, boundaries explain to your child how you will respond to their behavior. And kids learn how to act based on how their grown-ups respond to them. So, boundaries start with phrases like, “I cannot let you hit…” or “If you__, I will ___...”
So if you find that your boundaries aren’t working, start by checking your language. If your language is focused on getting them to do or not do something, shift that communication to instead explain how you will respond to certain choices.
Am I following through with the response I told my child to expect?
If you have checked your language and find that it’s consistent with what it means to set a boundary, you might want to check your follow-through by asking, “Am I responding to my child’s choice in the way that I said I would?”
To me? This is the hardest part of setting boundaries! Because it requires a level of consistency that can be exhausting, especially on hard or emotional days. Following through successfully means that
You chose a response that you can live with. In other words, if you aren’t prepared to end a meal when your child throws food, for example, then don’t mention a response that you aren’t comfortable doing. Instead, choose a response you can live with: can a thrown spoon stay on the floor til a meal is over? can you ask your preschooler to help clean up a thrown piece of food after a meal?
You commit to following through, in the way you said you would, every time. As much as you want to know when the boundary will have the behavioral impact you want, I think it’s important to remember that while it might take a few weeks of consistency to begin seeing an impactful change, it only takes one time of not following through for your child to know that the boundary isn’t firm and reliable.
So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed with the notion that your boundaries aren’t working because your child isn’t responding with the changes you hope for, hang in there. Take some time to 1) make sure you’re actually setting boundaries and 2) to make sure that you’re following through to create the predictable response that influences behavior change. And then keep doing just that! Taking it day at a time, the next right thing after the next right thing, remembering that this is a growing process and you’re all learning together.