How to respond to a mealtime tantrum
Elisabeth Kraus, MA
When you have settled in your heart that peaceful mealtimes are the goal for your family, and you recognize that Division of Responsibility is what’s going to get you there, the first thing you should plan for is pushback. Because sometimes, your team will recommend strategies that challenge the “get them to eat no matter what” urge that you might feel day in and day out.
But Division of Responsibility reminds us that, as parents and caregivers, it’s not our job to “get our children” to eat. Our only job is to offer opportunities by choosing what we offer, when we offer it, and where we offer it. To do this, you’re going to find that you need to set boundaries – and to expect that, sometimes, your child is not going to like the boundary you set.
And when that happens, prepare yourself for the meltdown!
Just like adults, kids have big feelings when routines change and boundaries are adjusted, and because their brains are still developing, we can’t expect them to demonstrate the kind of emotional regulation that you can expect from an adult. That puts the responsibility on us to both regulate our own emotions, and to invite them into a compassionate space that helps them to regulate theirs.
So, how does this work in a tense moment?
Say, for example, your toddler comes to the table for lunch, only to discover that you have not offered his very preferred dino-nuggets, and instead, you’ve offered the once-preferred-but-not-so-much-right-now peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Instantly, you might see a big, heated response to not getting what he wants, and depending on how you are feeling (and how the day has gone), it’s going to be a challenge not to rise to that same level of exasperation.
But here’s what you could do instead:
1) Remember that big feelings aren’t bad. Or wrong! They’re just big. It’s ok that your child feels mad – we all feel mad when we don’t get what we want! So, avoid reacting to their feeling, and instead, show empathy: remind your child that they aren’t alone. That you feel that way, too, sometimes! In these instances, I like to follow a script that 1) names the emotion I see, 2) shows empathy, and 3) offers connection.
Often this looks like saying, “I can see that you’re angry because I didn’t offer dino-nuggets. It’s ok to feel angry when you don’t get what you want. Would you like to come sit on my lap until you feel better?”
2) Remember that it’s not your job to make big feelings go away. It is HARD to see your child upset – and even harder to navigate one meltdown after another. Your first instinct might be to change what you’re doing so they aren’t upset anymore. But raising resilient children means being with them IN hard feelings, not changing your boundaries to make the big feelings go away. So, rather than tossing the PBJ and grabbing the nuggets just to make the temper tantrum stop, pause. Breathe. And then hold steady.
If that tantrum is resulting in loud expressions of big feelings, use the script above to invite into connection before moving forward with the meal you already prepared.
If the tantrum is resulting in harm to people or property, intervene with a reminder that you cannot let them hurt themselves, someone else, or anyone’s belongings. Stay with your child, in calm and firm ways: move away from the mealtime space to regroup, if needed. Incorporate techniques like taking deep breaths (letting them blow up a balloon – “let’s blow all our big mad feelings into the balloon!” – is a great way to teach deep breaths) and gentle tapping (patting backs, gentle claps, etc.) can help your child learn ways to soothe their bodies. Once calm, invite connection like sitting on your lap or moving the meal to a picnic on the floor, and continue with the meal you already prepared.
3) Remember that boundaries focus on your behavior, not on your child’s. As mentioned in part 1, you can’t control anyone else’s behavior. You can only control yourself. So, when you see mealtime responses or behaviors that you don’t want at your family meals, set a boundary by explaining how you plan to respond to those behaviors. A boundary can sound like, “When you throw your spoon, it tells me you’re all done with it. So if you throw it again, I’ll just leave it on the floor until we’re ready to clean up our lunch.” And then, be sure you do what you say you’re going to do. Consistent responses are the only way to maintain the boundaries you set.
4) Remember that you deserve peace and self-regulation as well. If you’re really in the thick of it, give yourself the gift of peace. You can do this in a few different ways.
Some people return to the regular activities that brought them joy before becoming a parent. That could look like returning to running or going to the gym, prioritizing regular get-togethers with friends, picking out a novel and carving out an “appointment” in your day that allows you to sit and read in peace.
Other people give themselves a moment right before each meal, to pause and find calm within themselves. I like to do a “body scan” from the top of my head all the way to my toes. I close my eyes, and mentally start at the top to work downwards.
“Relax your forehead.”
“Unclench your jaw.”
“Drop your shoulders and relax.”
“Hand on your chest. DEEEEP breath.”
And so on and so forth, reminding my body that I am safe, that my child is safe, and that I deserve peace and rest.
Lastly, remember that setting new boundaries and new routines is not for the faint of heart, but it is for those who dream of peaceful, regulated mealtimes. So, when you take on this good (and difficult!) work, prepare for challenges at first – and hold steady. Boundaries aren’t discipline or punishment – they are not something you DO to your child. They are gifts you GIVE to your child – and to yourself. Because both of you are worth the effort.