What boundaries are and What they are not
Elisabeth Kraus, MA
“Boundaries” are a bit of a hot topic these days, especially when it comes to people learning how to navigate important relationships well. Parenting relationships are not excluded from this conversation, and understanding what boundaries are, how to set them, and how to respond when your kids don’t like them is such an important part of learning how to help your child establish a happy relationship with food.
However, many times, parents who have navigated a significant number of obstacles as their child learns to eat face the notion of establishing mealtime boundaries with a lot of hesitancy and anxiety. After all, when all you want is for your child to just eat anything, setting boundaries around what you offer them and when feels counterproductive – and scary!
“Because what if the boundary you set hits at the exact moment that they would have taken that first bite?!”
But as valid as this fear is, I think it is rooted in a common misunderstanding of what boundaries are and how they work.
If you’ve been following GIE for any length of time, you know that one of the keys to successful eating is Division of Responsibility (DOR) – a principle that explains who does what, when it comes to mealtimes. Essentially, DOR argues that it is the caregiver’s job to choose what foods to offer and when, and it is the child’s job to choose if they eat it and how much. Setting boundaries helps parents to do their job without interfering on the child’s job – and vice versa!
First, let’s explore what a boundary is and what it is not.
A boundary is not a punishment. Nor is it a statement about what you want your child to do or not to do. At the end of the day, you cannot control another person’s behavior, even when that person is young and tiny and related to you. Instead, a boundary explains to your child how you will respond to the choices they make.
This, for example, is not a boundary: “Stop throwing your food!” or “Do not put your feet on the table.” Statements like these focus on changing or stopping your child’s unwanted behavior, which is a losing battle: again, none of us can control anyone else’s behavior. Instead, when looking to set a mealtime boundary, change your communication to focus on how you will respond to the behaviors they are choosing. And set a boundary.
A boundary sounds like this: “When you throw your food, it tells me you’re all done eating. So, if you throw your food again, I will clean up your plate and be all done with lunch.” And when they throw food again, follow-through on the boundary you set by ending lunch and cleaning up.
Statements like these – especially when followed-through – focus on the only behavior you can control: your own. They help your child to understand how you will respond to their choices, which fosters security and attachment because no response comes as a surprise, and because they get to participate in choosing the kinds of responses that they want from you by making choices that fall within the boundaries you set. That sense of security fosters peace during mealtimes.
Consistent peace leads to emotional regulation.
And emotional regulation leads to happy exploration and eating, which is what you’re looking for in the long run.
So next time you worry that setting boundaries will prohibit your child from eating, remember that the long-term goal of happy eating grows out of an emotionally-regulated, peaceful exchange between you and your child. And all of that starts with setting boundaries.